Time to chill out

This week hasn't been easy. I have been feeling less confident and upbeat about anything horsey. The dark, busy time with work and impending Christmas, I don't think, are helping either. I feel I don't have enough hours in the day (especially daylight hours!) to complete all the stuff I want to – and I don't even have a nine-to-five job or children! I don't know how those who have manage it all... But I guess, at the moment, I do everything myself with Rainbow, so if I had other responsibilities I would delegate more possibly. 

After my last post, the week continued in tricky terms as my sore back and shaken confidence didn't make riding or doing anything with Rainbow that pleasurable. I rode her on Tuesday – after having given her the weekend off and having lunged her on Monday – and she seemed to take the mick in the school, by looking at poles and whatnot lying on the ground. I didn't feel strong enough, mentally, to take her on, although I now realise I should have. Scared I was, I guess. Really didn't want to fall off a second time in the same week. Then I tried to raise canter and R shook her head and leant downwards, as if to buck, so I quickly pulled on the reins and didn't attempt cantering again. I realise how cowardly this all seems. 

Falling off didn't bother me when I had my bump a few weeks ago, as I knew it was my balance error and R did nothing wrong. But when I know the horse has misbehaved and caused me falling off, it really affects my confidence. And the 'problem' with owning a horse is that I can't hand her back and just pick another for the next time. 

On Thursday I thought I'd lunge her again to give myself a break and to get R moving anyway. She went fine one way but when I changed reins she just began turning in and refusing to go in a circle. I tried to get her going for a bit but she just kept squaring up to me. I had to get help, as I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it at that. Some of the girls came to help but despite all of us trying in different ways she wasn't really having it. In the end she went the other direction with the lunge rein in her mouth, cantering like a wild horse, when one of the girls was trying to get her to obey... No, not like this... 

Then, a very experienced dressage instructor, who was about to start a lesson with someone else, and saw me struggling with R, said to just stand next to R and ask her to walk with you. Rainbow didn't want to move/do as she was told but kept reversing. Well eventually got her to move with me and the instructor said that at least this means you've won at least one battle with her. Next time I have to get help when lunging her and today Annika suggested that she just needs one good slap on the bum if she's not working – from me – as often you just need to show them who's boss. At the moment she is testing me and this week has been Rainbow's own little "Let's test 'mummy' and see if she's really worthy of the name 'mum'."-week. Yeah, thanks.

So my mood worsened as the week wore on. I got Claire to ride Rainbow for me on Friday, which was good as asked her to work her hard, as I had only been dilly-dallying with her most of the week so she hadn't had proper exercise, and not let her look at things in the school. Then, in my darkest moments, I have also been harbouring thoughts of turning Rainbow into sausage – so, hands up, I haven't been in the best place for 'harmonious horsemanship'. 

On Sunday, however, we had a hack with Denise and Zara. The exciting place came when we had to pass a stud farm, which we have passed many times, but Rainbow was super sensitive to all the sounds coming from the fields on both sides of the road. There were yearlings frolicking on one side but the hedgerow stopped R from seeing them, so she decided to side step along the road in an alarmed manner. I was trying to do my best sack-of-potatoes impression on her to keep her calm. Somehow I managed to control her, though at one point I nearly felt myself losing the moment. But falling on the tarmac wasn't an option in my mind. Luckily the rest of the hack was less eventful. Though, Zara, at one point, took dislike of a man cycling along a path with his two little sons, so I overtook Denise and Zara, as R wasn't bothered by them, so we lead them for a bit to get past the cyclists. The little victories I guess...!

Today I decided to have private lesson with Annika and was just honest about my feelings and asked her to give me a simple 'confidence booster' lesson with circles thrown in, as those we didn't perform well in the last dressage test. Annika just told me to ride Rainbow effectively and do lots of things with her – transitions, then circles, another transition, canter, trot, etc. Meaning that basically by giving Rainbow things to think about she'll have less time to spook at things. Annika also reminded me that Rainbow isn't a spooky horse, so it's just her excuse to misbehave. After a 30-minute lesson I was absolutely knackered. I think I wasn't only riding Rainbow and getting tired but I was also off-loading the bent-up frustrations I had harboured the whole week, so afterwards I felt tired but a lot more positive. It's amazing how a little lesson like that can instantly make you feel better and help you to put the negative thoughts aside and help put things in perspective. 

Like butter wouldn't melt... :). No but I wanted to show off my mum's present to Rainbow - a new rain turnout rug from Biltema (in Finland)! It's very well made and has all the clips one would wish for.

I am not saying R isn't going to test me again and that I am 100% back to what I was a few weeks ago, but I guess it's the eternal fluctuations in mood/confidence/horse/me that makes life interesting.

To finish off, I have added a link to my new favourite band's song, I Will Wait for You by Mumford & Sons. If you have never heard them, have a listen. Love this song, and I think it's upbeat melody as well as the poignant lyrics have actually helped me to have faith in me and Rainbow again. Time to chill out and slide into the holiday season and Christmas with a smile on my face.

Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait for You

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you